Bond of Brothers

Wes Yoder has just published Bond of Brothers: Connecting With Other Men Beyond Work, Weather, and Sports.

I'm going to publish a running "Notes and Commentary" here. Please feel free to jump in with comments, questions, disagreements, suggestions --- whatever.

Let's Talk About Manhood

Yoder begins with notes about his father. "It took Dad close to seventy years of his life to learn to walk in complete truth with his family. How long has it taken me? You? All I know is that now my dad is a free man, and his freedom has much to do with mine, as you will see."

These are timely words for me, three months before my 70th birthday. I want to walk in truth with my family. I look forward to seeing how Yoder defines "complete truth."

Yoder continues: "I have decided to help create a conversation about what I see as the architecture of a man's heart and soul and to help men find a language that expresses who they are as men in order to restore their families and their dreams." "I know with all my heart that men who have been broken but have not allowed their hearts to become bitter are more useful in the kingdom of God than those who have not yet been broken."

Preach it, brother! Bring it on.

Like Father, Like Son

"The man every guy should know best, his father, is likely the man he knows least."

"When my dad was 89, he told me that his father, a stern but devout man, complimented him only once. He remembers the moment like it happened yesterday, and the words to him are like fresh-spun honey. What did you do to earn such high praise from my grandpa? I asked. His face lit up. "I stacked the sheaves of wheat on the wagon better than any of my eight brothers," he said.

"Even though he was 89 years old, I could still hear in his voice the longing of the son for life-giving words of grace and truth from his father."

"If what we say, who we are, and what we do are the three things by which we will be remembered, se if this describes you or your father (or most of the men you know):

• We don't show our hurts.
• We never cry.
• We have a hard time expressing compassion or how we really feel.
• We seldom, if ever, give an unqualified compliment.
• We do not feel respected.
• Our language does not include words as simple as "I love you, son. I'm very proud of you."
• We talk about our golf games or the weather as if they are the most important topics, but the truly significant events of our lives as men lie hidden somewhere beneath the surface, invisible to our sons and daughters, invisible even to ourselves.

We are silent.

The Silence of Man

"The things men don't talk about are some of the most important things in life. They are clues both to our sorrows and to traits we esteem but cannot achieve, to things we love and things we fear."

"Men retreat into muteness. They descend into the underworld of insecurities, discouragement, failure, depression and evaporated dreams."

"When it really counts, many guys are MIA. We work as long as it takes to provide for our families. We will take a bullet for our wives and children if necessary or work forty years at the most boring job on earth to prove that we love them. And love them we do, but years of silence from our dads and from our own hearts leave us with little of substance."

Sad Facts About Men

"Ever since Adam hid from God in the Garden of Eden, the natural inclination of every man is to hide."

"Despite what you may feel, your value as a man is immense, no matter the turmoil you currently face in your life. If you do not have the faith to believe that about yourself for the moment, borrow a bit of faith from a friend and let him help you carry your burden.

It is time for you to stop telling yourself the same old lies and begin to believe truth that will set you free.

Remember, you are on a journey, not trying to solve a formula, so let's take this one step at a time."

The Road to Being A Man

Reaching manhood is an odyssey. It is a journey requiring courage, honor, and dignity, and it cannot be completed without pain and strife. There is no miracle formula by which a boy becomes a man, or a precise age when he does, but what a guy does with the pain in his life is a major key to finding the doorway to manhood.

The great American god of choice actually requires something of you, as does the one authentic God, your Creator, who places your ultimate life choices before you. You have decisions to make about what kind of man you will be. You have options. What you do not get to decide is the nature of the pain you will encounter on your journey.

In the end, if you are a man at all, you will be an honest man. Or, you will be dishonest, something less than a complete man, with a dead or dying heart.

Not even you can fully convince yourself you are a real man as long as your heart is dead. But the choices are yours.

• You will be false, or you will be true.
• You will be hard, brittle and acerbic, or you will be strong, gentle and true.
• You will be authentic and present in the circumstances and relationships of your life, or you will be a counterfeit, irrelevant and emotionally absent man when it really matters.
• You will display courage in the face of danger, or you will fold in fear.
• You will demonstrate dignity and honor, or not.

Manhood, then, is first of all about being authentic, for God who created masculinity calls men to be honest and alive in the presence of others.

It means being alert and honest, available "in spirit and in truth to your father and mother, your children, your employer and your brothers.

Manhood is also about initiating a confessional life. It means allowing your weaknesses to become visible. How else will others know your true strength?

You may as well admit your weaknesses and failures, first to yourself, then to God, and then to those who love you most.

They already know. God certainly does.

At some point in life, being a man includes learning to say what you think about the things you do not want to talk about. It means being an initiator among friends and family about the things that really matter.

It means being a provider, a defender, and a spiritual leader for your family and for the poor in your community who cannot do these things for themselves.

It means you have the lifelong privilege of practicing kindness, of being a servant, of giving away your life in order to gain it, and of providing identity, strength and character for your family.

A man has the honor of being a keeper of wisdom and a sensible lifestyle, of nurturing a true understanding about God as a shelter from the lies of the culture.

"You are a unique, a one-of-a-kind man who can understand and practice what it means to be a father and husband and lover of your family. You have the opportunity and responsibility to strengthen your family, your circle of friends, the members of the fellowship where you worship, and your neighbors, and to do what you can to guard them from physical, emotional and spiritual danger."

Let's summarize the author's list of the elements of Manhood or Manliness:

• A man is a unique and extremely valuable creature.
• Reaching manhood is a journey that requires courage, honor and dignity.
• Reaching manhood involves pain and strife.
• A man chooses what sort of man he will be.
• An authentic man is an honest man.
• A dishonest man is incomplete and has a dead or dying heart.
• An authentic man displays courage in the face of danger.
• Manhood is about being authentic.
• Manhood is about having a confessional life.
• A man says what he thinks about things he does not want to talk about.
• A man is an initiator among friends and family about the things that really matter.
• A man is a provider, a defender and a spiritual leader of his family and for the poor.
• A man practices kindness.
• A man is a servant.
• A man is a keeper of wisdom.
• A man nurtures true understanding about God.
• A man strengthens and guards his family, his friends, his fellow church members and his neighbors from physical, emotional and spiritual danger.